Self control is the ability to control oneself. To be in control of yourself means that you choose how you respond to the external environment and you are in charge of your internal environment.
I was listening to an interview and the interviewee said something to the extent of, “I don’t give anyone the ability or privilege of affecting how I act”. Meaning why would we ever give someone else the control over our thoughts, emotions and actions, especially people we don’t even know. If you have an encounter with someone and you leave worse than when you arrived you let that external environment affect your internal environment. Someone else’s bad mood doesn’t not have to affect your mood.
In Romans 12:17-21 Paul says,
“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Paul says don’t be overcome by evil. Being overcome by evil looks like trading insult for insult and hurt for hurt. That looks like being offended and then speaking out of your offense.
In the early years of our marriage my wife and I would try to communicate our feelings and in doing so we would sometimes offend the other person. The other person in offense would offend the first person who would then respond in offense. This becomes a self sustaining argument with no end. But you overcome evil with good. To stop the cycle you have to stop reacting to offense.
If I started the conversation and I realize that what I first said offended her, I can stop the cycle by addressing the source of the problem. If I say to her, “It seems like I offended you in the beginning of the conversation,” then she will respond, “Yes, when you said this, it made me feel like this”. And guess what my response to her is, “Ummm I said that but that’s not what I meant”. By addressing the offense we poured water on the fire of the argument. It is so easy to focus on what someone said and over look what they meant. By focusing only on what someone said, it becomes really easy to get offended.
By trading offense for offense we relinquish our self control and become victims of our situations and circumstances. The kingdom of heaven functions from love. Love is not easily offended, it keeps no record of wrong, love does not dishonor others. Love does not change because the conditions become challenging. Love is how you transform a challenging condition into a victory.